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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D