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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Sometimes I zone out and forget what Iām supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
sleep is for people without netflix
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.