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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.