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Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment