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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know