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FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.