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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.