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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
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I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.