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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome