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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.