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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.