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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.