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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.