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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
You make me want to be a drunker person
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.