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You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.