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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.