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I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
The fox says you need to stop.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.