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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
Soup of the day: Beer
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.