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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.