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I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.