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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.