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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids