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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.