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America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.