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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Reincarnation is my only hope.