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I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending Iām not excited.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.