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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.