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2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.