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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.