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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.