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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.