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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.