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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
It was all so different before everything changed.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.