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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.