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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
I am used but in good condition.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.