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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.