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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
take me drunk i`m home
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.