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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.