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The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
Being alive is so expensive.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.