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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books