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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone