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I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.