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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Long story short, I love summaries.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.