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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!