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Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.