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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."