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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.