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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Marriage is for quitters
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"