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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
My cardio is shopping.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.