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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day