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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....