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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!