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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.