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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.