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My inner child is a drunken whore
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.