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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.