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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.