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Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
Honk if you are reading this.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.