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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m bored enough to clean.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out