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India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
I`ve given up on giving up.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.