Daily Silly Status

I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.

All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!

Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"

My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."

So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.

Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus

This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.

Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”

Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.

This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.

I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m

I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.