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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."