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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.