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If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
For an "adult" bookstore, this place has a LOT of picture books
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
It should really be called teethpaste.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.