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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Damn your Hott!...........................Freaking Sun! lmao =P
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D