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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.