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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?