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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day