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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I hate when the remote is way over there
So... Where does one obtain minions?
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?