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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.