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You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.