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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....