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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....