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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.