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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...