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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.