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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.