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I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.