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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel