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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.