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If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??