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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
´s status message is better than yours
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species