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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."