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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.