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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!