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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands