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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.