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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.