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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.