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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.