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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Does running out of money count as exercise?