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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?