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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you