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I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.