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why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?