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I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF