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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..