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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.