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I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.