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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out