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If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Gym Update: Not there.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
The first sign of laziness:
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I need a partner in wine.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.