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I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.