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"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.