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I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.