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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.