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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.