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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.