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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.