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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.