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I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
No pants are the best pants.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
just keep scrolling nothing to see hear
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.