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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.