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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands