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The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.