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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what Iām doing.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke