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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.